Hey There, 19: A Reflection On Leaving 18 Behind

Hey there, and welcome to Life, Unfiltered!

As our title implies, my birthday has passed and I have completed my eighteenth year of existence!

Getting older is odd with how much changes in such little time. I feel like I was sixteen for four years, seventeen for ten months, and eighteen for three months. It hardly feels like a year has passed since I blew out my birthday candles last March, yet I’ve done so much.

Looking back on my eighteenth year, I’m realizing exactly how much I’ve seen and accomplished. I completed my EMT program. I visited my family in El Salvador. I watched my sister’s childhood best friend get married! It’s been wild watching all my friends grow up and figure out the next step in their paths, and seeing how my parent’s lives are changing as my sister and I are getting older. 

If I’m being honest though, with some of the highest highs and probably the lowest lows I’ve experienced, this past year has been equal parts the best and worst year of my life. I think I kind of learned this year to stop saying “it’s gonna be a great year,” or “this is the year I’m gonna do better,” because that’s so much pressure being placed on a timeline that is completely out of our control.

The best moments of my year began when I completely weight restored in recovery from my eating disorder, then I got my first tattoo with my best friend leading into a trip to El Salvador where I got to visit family I haven’t seen since I was a baby, all the way to completing my EMT program in December. All these events were planned, though…

My worst moments this year were completely unexpected and needless to say, they blindsided me. After thinking I had already hit rock bottom in the moment that pushed me to recover from my eating disorder, these events managed to sink me even deeper into what I thought before was all the misery I could handle. So in more ways than one, eighteen was the worst year of my life. But I keep wondering: Was it?

To think of my very little life experience in years has been depressing. Eight years of self harm. Six years of bulimia nervosa. Nineteen years of being completely lost.

Sure, eighteen held the two worst moments of my life, but to label three hundred and sixty-five days “The Worst Year of My Life” over two painful events seems unfair to me. And I’m realizing that’s not the perspective I want to live with anymore. In the words of Cesare Pavese, “We do not remember days, we remember moments.”

For my nineteenth birthday, I want to start living my life in moments. I want to get better each day and not feel chained down by my failures or circumstances. I’m excited for the new chance I’ve been given to continue improving and becoming the person I want to be. Very slowly with each day I’m seeing her shine through more and more, and I’m proud of that.

Here’s to another year of the greatest moments.

Goodbye eighteen,

Alexandra