Halfway Through My 19th Year: An Observation

Hey there folks!! Welcome to Life, Unfiltered!

Sometimes when I get sad or feel discouraged about my writing, I go back and read my past works to try and spark some motivation to continue. That includes my poetry and short stories all the way back from middle school, to the essays I was particularly proud of in high school, my current middle grade fiction series, as well as my old blog posts!

When I reread Hey There, 19: A Reflection On Leaving 18 Behind, it hit me that I’ve recently reached the halfway point of my nineteenth year. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m super stoked that I’ll be twenty in just six months, but today’s post isn’t about twenty… It’s about being nineteen for half a year already!

It’s no secret that this year has been tough. My great grandmother succumbed very rapidly to dementia early this year, my beloved cockatiel, Chiquito, passed away unexpectedly, and I’ve continued to struggle coping with the sexual assault I experienced in September of last year.

I also think it’s worth noting that seventeen was the last birthday I ever intended on seeing. It doesn’t seem like much, but I honestly can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I can’t believe I’m on my way to turning twenty. 

I read a short story in middle school about a girl who was having a rough day on her eleventh birthday. She mentioned that even though she was turning eleven, she was also ten, nine, eight, seven, and every other age she had lived. In a moment of embarrassment at school, she said that Eight was coming out, and when she began crying in class, Five had taken the lead.

I remember the other kids in my class who scoffed at the concept, but I found it interesting to realize that we are every version of ourselves all at once. When I get thoughts of self-harm, nine-year-old me is the one who is hurting, and when I feel that I don’t deserve food, fifteen-year-old me is the one who believes that. 

I try so hard to leave every flawed version of myself behind with each passing year. I try to be the best I can be for myself and those around me. Now at nineteen, I am the blogger, the EMT, the adult, the writer, the college student. 

And no matter how hard I try to run from it, I am also the nine-year-old whose best friends are books. I am the starving fourteen-year-old high school freshman. I am the shy and fearful five-year-old girl. And slowly I’m learning that there is no shame in that.

I hope the rest of nineteen holds good things for me. I know that’s irrational to hope for with how unpredictable life is, but I just want to get better with each day. It’s hard to forgive myself for still being every broken version I was before, but learning to live with all my flaws and mistakes is paving the way to a better future. I know it is.

See you soon, twenty!

Alexandra