Making Amends

Hey there and welcome back to The Adulting Journals with my newest post in Growing Pains.

First and foremost, I just want to say that I appreciate all of you staying with me through my tough time. I should be going back to posting twice a month, with no real schedule for Spoken Word or Alexandra Reads posts just yet.

Through the brief hiatus that I took to tend to my health through an eating disorder relapse, I decided to do something I haven’t done since my last recovery. 

If you’ve followed me through all my eating disorder posts, you’ll know that meltdowns and tears at restaurants were way too common while I was at my sickest. I hated not knowing how many calories were in my meal, and my family often begged me to order higher calorie drinks and meals. They were desperate for me to eat because they understood exactly how sick I was.

Upon recovering this last time, I was thinking about how addicts make amends with family and friends who were hurt by their addiction. I did the exact same with my own circle. But when I began returning to restaurants, it seemed like each one was connected to my eating disorder in some way.

Whether I cried over eating too much bread, argued with my sister over ordering a plain cold brew instead of my typical mocha with almond milk, or I purged in the bathroom at that restaurant, each one held painful memories.

I no longer wanted to say, “oh, I purged so many times here,” or, “I remember I cried over my soup at that table over there,” whenever I entered a restaurant or a coffee shop. I wanted a healthy relationship with eating out. That was when I decided to begin a list of restaurants I wanted to “make amends” with.

It started as a joke before I realized exactly how much of a triumph it was to finally eat at a restaurant like any normal person would. And so began my Making Amends List.

So far, I’ve challenged myself and made amends with five restaurants on my list, and challenged two more restaurants within this last relapse. I have many more to go, but each time I cross off a name from that list, I feel a little weight lift off my shoulders.

It hasn’t been easy in the slightest, but I believe I’m on a path toward normalcy, and I’m proud of that.

Thank you all for your time. Your support absolutely means the world to me.

Love always,

Alexandra