GUYS I'M SORRY!!!

I'm not even drafting this on a doc, I'm just writing straight on my site and pressing publish...

I FAILED MY OWN CHALLENGE!!!!

10 Days Of Celebrating Life ended up being three days...

Frankly, I have no excuse. Nothing has come up or gotten in the way of completing my challenge. The simple fact is: I let my depression consume me this week.

I really want to start writing more positive content because I have gotten feedback from readers that it's been healing to see that someone else may share their struggles, that they're not alone. That makes me incredibly happy too, because that's the reason I created The Adulting Journals.

However, I also don't want to enable my readers to wallow or create a community based mutual destruction.

Truth be told, I found out recently that I was misdiagnosed with depression, when I have actually been suffering from bipolar disorder all these years.

That moment was incredibly enlightening. It explained many of my self-destructive patterns and I'm sure that as I learn about myself through this new lens, I will be able to better manage my mental illness moving forward.

But it's also been difficult to separate myself from my diagnosis. I texted a friend in a panic asking so many wild questions immediately after my appointment:

"Have I just been a crazy bitch this entire time and not realized it?"

"If one part of me is mania and one part of me is depression, then which part is ACTUALLY me?"

"Why me? I don't want to be bipolar!"

Honey, I don't think anyone wants a mental illness...

I think it's difficult to force myself to celebrate being alive when every single day is an unwanted struggle.

It's to the point that I don't feel like writing anymore. And in these moments, I used to be able to push through. But lately I've been struggling to grit my teeth and force that mask of happiness and productivity. Simply put: it's hard.

I don't really know why I'm posting this if I'm being honest. I think I just want to show that I'm doing my best with what I've got, and I know that some of you out there are in the same boat.

It's gonna be okay.

Drink water. Curl up in a fuzzy blanket. Hug your pet. Do whatever you need to survive.

Love you guys,

Alexandra