Fighting Back Against Negative Thoughts

This post contains mentions of self-harm, sexual assault, and eating disorders. Please feel free to skip this post if any of these topics may be triggering to you <3

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RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673

“You really think you deserve to eat that much? What a fucking pig.”

“Stop blaming him for your mistakes, slut. You gave him the wrong idea. You were asking for it.”

“You know where the knives are. You know exactly how to make the pain go away. Do it. Cut.”

“You miss being cold and miserable, I know you do. You know how to lose 20lbs in a month. You loved the looks you got when you were thin. Fucking attention whore.”

Hey there and welcome back to Life, Unfiltered. 

I know it’s bold to share this, but what I’ve written above are genuine thoughts that plague me daily. Whether I’m showering, cooking, or driving, the thoughts always come unexpectedly. And when they do, they completely blindside me.

Like mosquitos buzzing around my head, these thoughts are always just… there. Pestering me. Serving me no purpose. Benefitting me in no way. That’s what I find makes being happy so difficult.

I’ve grown so accustomed to the misery with which I’ve surrounded myself all these years. A hungry stomach comforts me. Purging is a necessity. The sting of a cut is a punishment I feel I deserve. Depression lulls me into a false sense of security in these habits and it becomes so difficult to break free from the thing that is actually harming me.

I don’t know how to make these thoughts go away. I don’t know if they will ever go away. But as easy as it is to allow them to permeate every aspect of my life, my eating disorder recovery, my self-harm clean streak, the relationships I’ve mended and the new ones I’ve made, I know deep down that these thoughts are irrational. They’re simply not true. 

I deserve to eat.

I wasn’t asking for it.

Cutting never made the pain go away.

I was never happy when I was thin.

It’s honestly hilarious to me that this exchange in the series finale of BoJack Horseman between Todd and BoJack is what made me realize I have the power to stop all of this. To recover from bulimia nervosa. To stop self-harming. All it took were these ten words:

“…what if I relapse again?”

“Then you’ll get sober again.”

That’s it. That’s literally it. For whatever stupid reason, it never hit me that I could just stop self-harming or purging again if I ever slip up. I have the power to change my life for the better. And I have. That’s something no one can ever take away from me. 

“And after that, you’ll beat your record again. Every day you’ll set a new record.”

- Todd Chavez, BoJack Horseman

• 396 days recovered from bulimia nervosa.

• 427 days binge/purge free

• 518 days clean from self-harm

This? This is all mine.

Let’s keep progressing,

Alexandra